September 28, 2003:
Voters:Check out the new QOTW email address! Stunning, no? Thanks go to Reilly for his god-like creation of this email account.
Last week's winner was "I want it to be unclear whether I intend to liberate Josh or eliminate his cost." -Julian, on his "Free Josh" sign.
Quote of the Week, following in the footsteps of such great empires as Athens and Major League Baseball, will henceforth become a democracy. In each week, a different person will hold the office of "Quoter of the Week". I only hope that someday history will remember the name "QOTW" the same way it remember the name "Cleisthenes" (specifically, with great difficulty and possibly by consulting its freshman year Ancient History notes).
Forgotten how to vote? http://www.qotw.net/~qotw/howtovote.html tells youall you need to know.
This week's Nominees:
"Don't sit in the garden. Don't stick your hands in the dirt. And don't eat the dirt." -Mr. Wharton, on having rats in the garden in front of the school
"This could really hurt someone. Give me your knuckles." -Copans, on a titanium thermos
"There are some people in Commonwealth School that you don't want to see in full light." -Bess, on the fact that the Dartmouth Lobby is poorly lit
"You look like a deer that's been hit by a car and is struggling to stay alive." -Hilary's mom, watching Hilary play "Dance Dance Revolution"
"I encourage you all to read something scandalous." -Ms. Grant, on Banned Book Week
"This yogurt was so good, if I were a smoker, I'd need a cigarette." -Johan
"I want to have your children. No, I'm serious, I'm kidnapping your children." -Donna
"Does a dog apologize before making noise? No, it barks. Think like a dog and bark." -Mr. Davis, after the students in his English class were indirect and apologetic about making their points
"Next time we will discuss John Winthrop, a man who has been called the most neglected founding father, but judging by the picture in the textbook, the ugliest founding father as well." -Mr. Young
"'Who do you like?' is going out of style, and 'What would you name your tank?' is slowly replacing it." -Roz, on soldiers that name their tanks after girls from back home
Voting closes at 5:00 pm on Friday. Remember to vote: it's not only your civic duty, it's your way to poison the system with your own filthy opinions.
And remember to submit funny quotes to the submission form on the web site! There were some excellent submissions that didn't make it into the nominees list this week, but are featured in the auxiliary "Honorable Mentions" email, which you can sign up for by replying to this email, saying "Give me Honorable Mentions or give me death!"
-Ben "Benorlin" Orlin
September 28, 2003: Honorable Mentions
"Trasalabasiay!" -Daniel, mishearing the rap lyric "pass the crobosiay""I don't need no stupid condoms!" -Little Brother Nathan, referring to the cloth tops put on paintball gun barrels to protect the shooter from misfires
"Why am I planning my own kidnapping?" -Daniel, while talking to Joanna about the logistics and proper timing of kidnapping Daniel and bringing him to Commonwealth School
"Throwing the world into disarray, one seating arrangement at a time." -Roz
"Give me your poor, your hungry, your freshmen." -Becca
"It's vintage." -Dewey, on a political button against the war in Iraq
"It's because they're both things girls wear. Although we don't get them confused with bras and high-heeled shoes." -Orlin, on why guys confuse dresses and skirts
"We are rapidly running out of retro." -Julian
"But there are heathens in Europe. Why can't they go convert the Catholics instead?" -Joanna, on alternatives to Protestant England's colonization of North America
"Ahh... this was the song I had my first make-out session to." -Mr. Phillips, on the song "Let's give them something to talk about"
"Oh, Roz. I never tire of your sexual escapades." -Alex
"You're not two people; you're ONE people!" -Elif Soyer, to Mike Lis
"I'm going to hanged you." -Mr. Davis, to Joanna, after she corrected him one time too many that people are hanged and meat is hung
"The diet of Worms is actually a body, not something you eat on Fear Factor." -Mr. Young
"I'm interested in abuse." -Mr. Phillips
"We have managed to convince Dewey to abandon this 'Fundamentals of Physics' and the handsome Mr. Phillips to join this old, balding owl." -Mr. Riahi, on Dewey moving from the Fundamentals of Physics course taught by Mr. Phillips to the Physics 1 course taught by Mr. Riahi
"I wish there were no other numbers but zero." -Mr. Riahi
"Well, SOMEONE'S had his protein today." -Andrea Lam, freshman, on the color of lemon-lime flavored Powerade
"My father, the Jew-Commie-Atheist, and I, the heathen-Catholic-half-Jew, know it because tonight my mother, the schixa-Anglican/C of E-atheist, taught us." -Joanna Rifkin
"It's 'drowning' your sorrows, not vaporizing them!" -Joanna Rifkin
"If you were willing to give a large amount of money to the church, you could get in return what was essentially a 'get-out-of-purgatory-free' card." -Mr. Young, on financial corruption in the Catholic church in the years preceding the Protestant Reformation
"Yeah, but for us who are more political theorists, he's just some guy who got his head chopped off by the Protestants." -Mr. Young, on King Charles'martyrdom
"Speaking of looting and pillaging, the debate team has its first meet on October 12." -Mr. Young
"LCD trips are way trippier than LSD trips." -Roz
"Well, they're all phallic representations anyway." -Andrea Lam, on buildings
Bonus points go to anyone who can recognize the subtle thematic links between these final four quotes:
"It's hopeless, Alex. You're a boy, she's a girl." -Julian, on Alex's efforts to reform Joanna's eating (or lack thereof) habits
"But you've arbitrarily reassigned by gender!" -Alex, to Dewey
"I'm a bit disturbed by how good of a girl you make." -Ms. Nulty, to Alex
"I'm coming out; Ben is gay." -Alex, on Ben Miller
-QOTW Management
