March 6, 2004:
Dear Quotlings:I had the craziest, most outlandishly funny week as quoter! And the best part of it for me was -- oh, wait, according to the QOTW "quoter guidelines," I'm not supposed to talk about myself. According to "Benorlin," you aren't interested in me. But what else is there? Current events? The WEATHER? Pah! Do you know who talks about current events and the weather? Old people. Old people who hang out in old dusty convenience stores in darkest Maine or New Hampshire, the kind of store with hardwood floors and a porch outside and a hunting knife display case nestled between the cigarettes and the lottery tickets. Well, I would talk about the weather, in fact, except I've lost my weather radio. The kind fishermen use -- it makes these screeching noises when there are going to be large swells or a lightning storm at sea or something like that. There used to be this guy with a thick New England accent who read the tide information and wind advisory stuff and eventually he'd get around to the weather forecast, too. My favorite part was when he rattled off a long string of coordinates and said it was a restricted area due to whales. That and the announcements for NOAA family day. Now it's just a computer generated voice, though. They sure sucked the class out of those weather radio broadcasts, lemme tell you. Ahh, I remember the good old days...
The winner last week was Becca Thal's mom, with her quote, "I say that any school that won't take my baby should be fired. Harvard? Pow! Yale? Pow! Then nobody will have a degree that competes with my baby's." Congratulations, Becca's mom! I'm sure that almost no jury would convict you.
This week's quotes:
"Stop it. You're a rumple on the face of the earth." -- Mr. Davis, to Reilly, who was distracting his class
"More and more I'm finding myself attracted to shiny things ... I'll be really worried if I get feathers." --Alex, gazing at the big chrome fenders on Becca Thal's bike
"Sometimes, leaves ... they have a gait." -- Roz's Mom, on why she thought she ran over a mouse
"It was my pleasure, and your pain." -- Mr. Wheelan, leaving a Saturday morning practice SAT
"Dictionaries are so dry. They never have affairs." -- Becca Thal
"... All my quotes are about race and it's making me look entirely 'racially oriented.' So could somebody quote me on something else that's ridiculous and inflammatory. Thank you." -- Donna Desilus, being quoted, yet again.
"I've been known to take chivalry to the point of abuse." -- Josh
" 'Hamlet oddly wonders contrast affronted analogy implies horrid empathize whore whore drab scullion whore whore resentful sinews cue prompt motive cue appalling whore whore villain villian villian.' I don't think that's going to cut it. It's like a Radiohead song." -- Miller, trying to form a conclusion for his Hamlet essay by thaking one word from every other sentence in his paper
"Assume I am rigid and homogeneous -- I am not homogeneous, I am made of 80% water and 20% God knows what -- I do not name it ." -- Mr. Riahi in Physics
"I'm super-Lesbian!" -- Mariah
Forgotten how to vote? We've got you covered! Just go to http://www.qotw.net/~qotw/howtovote.html . Voting is a great way to put off studying for Calculus and feel good about yourself at the same time.
Signing off, this is Roswell Thomas : "Banned in Chicago."
March 6, 2004: Honorable Mentions
And now, the runners-up at the Ms. America pageant! The quotes that get certificates, not trophies! They won big "moral victories," and for you QOTW enthusiasts, they're like the chocolate sauce on the Hershey bar of verbal wit . the Honorable Mentions!:"Hey, look, cookies in a box, right? WRONG! You have to make them." -- Paul, outraged at a box of cookie mix.
"And if you get tired of dancing, you can go pray!" -- Dewey's mom, on prom being next to a church
"You can take my lines, you can take my love, but you can't take my incense." -- AJ Machnes
"Relive your middle school years this Friday in Balfor: MIDDLEE SCHOOL DANCE, 10-2." -- An announcement for a college dance
"I agree with you on the 0 thing, but what about when you give cosin pi? -1? I mean, with sin and -3pi/2, I understand that -- sin's just like,
what do you expect me to do with that? But zero at pi?" --Ben Orlin, talking to Roz about the comparative merits of sin and cosin.
"We _were_ all the same. We were all black [in kindergarten]." -- Donna, addressing the subject of whether racism is taught in public schools.
"Score one for Jeff for being pointlessly pedantic!" -- Julian Hyde
-- Roswell "doesn't the weather radio thing count as a personal experience?" Thomas
