November 9, 2003:
Greetings, Quotemonsters!As Orlin once said, "Quote of the Week is my descent into insanity, and you're all singing along!" That was before QOTW went democratic; now, one by one, he's dragging us down with him. I spent most of this week wandering around the school looking for people who were about to say something funny, like a vulture looking for things that are about to die. I usually love you all for who you are, but this week, I felt like an ant, and you felt like my aphids: small insignificant green creatures secreting sugary quote globules from your abdomens for me to collect and use for my own insect purposes; namely, this e-mail.
The scariest part was tallying the votes, which I did late at night in a dark lonely room in Ipswich. It's like a race up to the very end--Daniel in the lead; is Becky out? No! Saved by those second place votes! Here comes Orlin, pulling ahead; man, look at the steam this kid has built up! But then afterwards, the cold certainty of the whole thing suddenly hit me. There was never any doubt as to who was going to win. All that drama was meaningless. It's like fate. What if everything that happens is just another step in the process of tallying some grand cosmic instant runoff voting thing? You might think you're going to make it; you might think things are going to change, but you never did have enough fourth place votes; you were doomed from the start. You guys aren't aphids--you're those eternal little gray old women in that bad Disney Hercules movie, knitting frumpy, lopsided destinies for us all.
On a different note, congratulations to Daniel Carlyon, who won last week with his quote "You can't spell Zhou Dynasty without 'O, nasty!'" You're the man, Daniel! (Orlin was a close second with "There are many reasons why Arnold Scharzennager won, and we'll tell you when you're older," to Josh.)
And now, without further wordy ranting, this week's quotes:
"That was the problem with King George III - he sounded too much like [Mariah's] mother." - Mr. Young
"Now don't go getting any ideas -- you're like Cupid on speed sometimes." - Nora, to Roz
"What if the gophers had knives?" - Someone from the debate team at Daniel's school
"Every time you cut down one of Miller's jokes two worse ones grow back." - Ben Orlin
"You can set the bush on fire, and not consume it." Jeremy, suggesting Roz go outside and pee in a bush
"I can't spell. I'm terribly dyslexic, and if you want to know the truth, I'm just lazy." - Mr. Racioppi
"If you have something that is an elephant, you may call it a worm, but that creates confusion." - Mr. Riahi
"Julian is rubbing Alex and Miller's destinies together!" - Reilly
"Someone should go back in time and break D.H. Lawrence's fingers so it hurts him to write and he'll just write short sentences." - Julian
"Rumors are like Julian: they make for weird metaphors." - Alex, dodging a question
Forgotten how to vote? Go to http://www.qotw.net/~qotw/howtovote.html, or else!
And remember, don't sign up for any old mentions; sign up for Honorable Mentions--chances are that they're classier than you are! Just ask yourself: 'If I were a mention, would I have honor?' Probably not. (If you've ever so much as sat down in the Commonwealth Lobby, the answer is almost certainly "no.")
- Roswell "Orliph: or, Deputy of the Orlin" Thomas
November 9, 2003: Honorable Mentions
Hello again,Orlin lied. So your honorable mentions are "late." Cry to him. Make sad puppy dog faces at Orlin; that should just about push him over the edge.
"Why is it that butter can be a verb, and not cheese?" - Johan
"Mumblando en su lengua segunda es muy tacito." - Roz's mom, while he was trying to explain why he hadn't done his Spanish homework. (translation: "Mumbling in your second language is very tacky," but she made up a lot of words.)
"It is a young and violent...mythological monster." - Ben Orlin, on Grifkin, two headed sex monster
"When the mermaid nipple came out!" - Micheline, in response to the question, "And when was the great Polish revolution?"
"It's kind of ironic how the church is shaped like a cross." - Reilly, on a Gothic church. (Reilly's mom teaches Medieval History at Commonwealth, so he should know better.)
"So, are you having a problem with the pitcher problem? The big pitcher?" - Ms. Das, trying to redivert her Computers II class after a theological outburst.
"...Republicanism is in blue, the color of true blue vir-choo!" - Mr. Young
"I knew there would be black people here...but I didn't realize there would be so many." - June's octogenarian mother, upon arriving in Africa
"I'll order a short little fat girl." - Conor the freshman.
"Life drawing is like yoga for your hands." - Micheline
"'I see,' said the blind man as he peed into the wind; 'it all comes back to me now.'" - Anonymous
"It's an inequality cocktail!" - Aron Machnes, during Geometry
"It's a crazy bizarre world, where up is down and Jeff is right." - Julian
That's it. Have you hugged a Waocel today? And Johan, 'Cheese' is a verb. As in, "Cheese it, the cops!"
- Roswell "not the gossip whore you think I am" Thomas
